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Boskyfiresnake Profile
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posticon Re: Is it Ethical??


wow! That's a horror story. I can believe it though. Small towns are the worst. It seems that people think nothing really bad is going to happen and since girls are lower on the social strata, the bad things that happen to them don't count. Sounds like that's about it right?
I am going to offer some unsolicited advice from a foster childs perspective, so take it as you will, but it may help:

1. buy and read "reviving ophelia" now. It's a bit out dated but it will give you more insite into what is going on with your daughter and maybe you can get more comfort / ideas from that process of understanding.

2. BE THE BOSS. She needs it, she's begging for it. She's SCARED. All around her are people being idiots and inside she is 1/2 grown-up, 1/2 child, %100 SCARED little girl.
Make rules for her safety in 3 columns: rule, reason and consequences. Actually work this out with her and veto her when you need to. She put the bottle on top of the heap because she wants you to intervene. She needs her mommy but if she admits it she will lose her independence and social standing.

3. BE THE !@#$. Yup, let them all hate you. Be the bad guy. Then when your daughter is invited to the next party, coerced into being stupid, etc. she can saftley say
" My mom will kill me." and instead of losing face, she will get sypathy. Deep down she will be happy to have a "get out of trouble free card".

4. Get spys. Get people on your side that are willing to report on your daughter's wherabouts/ activities. Don't reveal them though, just pretend to be the CIA and you will quickly get the same reputation and power. And let her know about it - and use it!

5. Let her earn back small privileges through a specific program of rewards. Make her work hard though, so she values her new "freedoms" too much to loose them and start over.

6. Manual labor is a great punishment. Something dirty and tiring, like shoveling poo, or cleaning gutters. But always let her know what the punishment is and why she has it and make her repeat it to you after the discussion, periodically and during the punishment.

This is the system my foster mom used and she was given the worst of the worst with teen girls. I've seen this work with some out of control girls (think threesoms with teachers and syringes) When I was out of the house, she sat me down and explained the system. Hey, it worked on me! I was convinced she knew everything and I knew for a fact that getting in trouble wasn't worth it. But we also had great incentives for good behavior. Also, she created a safe space to talk and even experiment. The first time I drank, (not drunk, but she had spies) she took me camping and she and her husband abd thier grown kids all had a ball teaching me how to drink. I threw up soooo much! To this day, I'm always the one that stays w/in my limit- and safe.
The most important part: "Bedroom Talks"
Every week we had scheduled 1:1 talk time in out bedroom with the door closed and we could tell her anything. It takes awhile to build the trust but consistency is key. If she dosent talk, ask her questions and tell her why you are asking when she clams up. It lets her know you are there for her. Let her know she is #1 and if the whole town hates you, you don't care as long as she survives her teen years intact enough to be whatever she wants to be when she is an adult. Because she is your priority. Tell her that, especially when you suffer to keep her safe. ie: "I'm not going because I can't trust you right now. I really want to go, but yyour safety is more important to me than ____."

if you want, pm me and I will give you my private e-mail. Now that I was forced to survive my teen years, I mentor at-risk teens and I'm working on becoming a teacher. I can refer you to a ton of resources and literature to research.

You might also want to enrol er in self defense classes, it helps with self esteem and drunk 25yo's.

Now I'm going to write my foste mom and thank her for kicking my butt!
10/16/2006, 5:35 am Link to this post Send Email to Boskyfiresnake   Send PM to Boskyfiresnake Yahoo Blog
 
playfultree Profile
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Re: Is it Ethical??


Thanks

---
Love and Light

tree



May your journey be full of happiness and blessings
10/16/2006, 3:28 pm Link to this post Send Email to playfultree   Send PM to playfultree Yahoo
 
Saijen SilverWolf Profile
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Re: Is it Ethical??


[sign in to see URL] good advice. Wish you'd been around when I was raising my now 28 yr old. Even now she hasn't got a clue.

She's still married, but in the last 2 years of being seperated from her husband, she's slept with 5 guys that I am aware of. The last one, before she moved back in with her husband (not as husband and wife, but because she has nowhere else to go), gave her [sign in to see URL] kind that creates genital warts. She had to tell her husband, whom she HAS slept with since the last b/f about it.
She thinks if it has 2 legs and a pecker (pardon the bluntness), she has to sleep with it.
I think a lot of it is simply that I wasn't enough of a [sign in to see URL] tried too hard to be a friend.
What bothers me most is she has 3 children. Her youngest, my granddaughter lives with her, her 2 boys live with their father, her first husband. What kind of message is she sending to her kids?
Too bad I didn't have this kind of advice around way back when!

---
Blessed Be,
~*~ Saijen ~*~

~~*~~ .~~*~~
10/17/2006, 6:42 pm Link to this post Send Email to Saijen SilverWolf   Send PM to Saijen SilverWolf Yahoo
 
Boskyfiresnake Profile
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Re: Is it Ethical??


I think I've just taken too many psyc classes and seen too much. Being a parent is supposed to be the hardest job around but really, it's being a mother to a daughter that's the hardest. This worl is set up like one big, deadly obstical course if you're a woman. I actually read a study once that concluded something like this: When the expectations for a woman today are examined as part of an individual's case study, if that individual actually tries to live up to the expectations, they are clinicly insane. I !@#$ you not! emoticon
It genuinely scares me that I have a daughter. How do you raise a woman who is knowlegable, self sufficient and strong enough to get along in this society and still raise a healthy, happy human being? I teach her self defense techniques already, not because I believe in violence, but because 3 out of 4 women is sexually assaulted before she's 25 years old. Why do we have to worry about our daughters like this?
It isn't necesarrily bad parenting, it's just a really fucked up world and as mom's we are trying our best to help them get along in it but sometimes it doesn't work. I like the idea that ancient lady had of turning her daughter into a tree. too bad we couldn't all do that. emoticon
10/19/2006, 4:34 pm Link to this post Send Email to Boskyfiresnake   Send PM to Boskyfiresnake Yahoo Blog
 
playfultree Profile
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I do agree the world and it lack of ethics do not help. All her friends are just wild they run as the please never go home and their parents just do not care or have given up.

I am still on her and a total pain as to who, where, what, and why.

I am throwing her a surprise 16th birthday party but knowing her it will be a wasted effort. It will not be what she wanted. She wants a car and permit but that is not happening until she learns some basic respect.
If I turned her in to a tree she be sure to hit me with a branch. emoticon

Lets see she turns 18 in 2 years and 11 days. Will not stop the worry but at least she will be an adult.

---
Love and Light

tree



May your journey be full of happiness and blessings
10/20/2006, 4:10 pm Link to this post Send Email to playfultree   Send PM to playfultree Yahoo
 
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Re: Is it Ethical??


Well, keep it up! Maybe you can use a point system as a way for her to gain a permit. You know, agree to 2 hr. chech-ins, no trouble for x-amount of time, acting respectful, or something like that. And take away points for misbehavior. But work it out mentally before hand so it takes enough points to improve her behavior for a long time before she gets the reward. And make a chart so she can see her progress, or lack of it.
Soon her friends will begin getting pregnant and end up in bad situations (if some aren't already) and she will thank you for being a royal pain. Just remind her that it's because you love her. And watch out for falling branches!

How is she doing otherwise?
Did you get Reviving Ophelia? Most libraries carry it. Have your daughter read it too, it will help her recognize a lot of her turmoil. When I begin teaching, I will be making it mandatory reading for my students.

Are there any good kids around? Is there a youth group of some type to get her into? If the only friends she has are in trouble, it will be incredibly hard for her to stay out of trouble.

Blessed be!
10/21/2006, 5:20 am Link to this post Send Email to Boskyfiresnake   Send PM to Boskyfiresnake Yahoo Blog
 
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Re: Is it Ethical??


The point system is a respected psychological method called a ]Token Economy.

It works best with younger children who love rewards, and it fails with people who just don't give a hoot. Still, it's worth a try.

It's very important to make a deal with your daughter for it. She has to know the rules, and at best sign a contract with you - so the conditions are clear.

Best of luck, Playfultree. emoticon

---
- Firlefanz

Reading: "The Golem's Eye" by J. Stroud
Writing: Rewrite of the Unicorn Girl YA novel

Mystical Adventures
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playfultree Profile
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One bad thing about smaller towns. Yes all her friends have no limits except one and her parents and I encourage them to do things together.

She a smart girl in most things just does not think bad thing can happen to her. Has average to above average grades in FFA and Honors Club. Just has this attitude. She truly thinks her friend would not have been raped if she had been at the party she could have stopped it.

Point system is only a little effective because all ways points to everyone else.

Yes am reading it she said no way she is reading it. sigh typical

We will get there sooner or later more like later but thats okay too.

Thanks

---
Love and Light

tree



May your journey be full of happiness and blessings
10/21/2006, 7:16 pm Link to this post Send Email to playfultree   Send PM to playfultree Yahoo
 
Boskyfiresnake Profile
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Re: Is it Ethical??


At least there's one friend. Are there any other girls around her own age that have decent parents? Even if she doesn't hang around them maybe you parents, as a group, could come up with some techniques to protect you daughters.
Is the book helping you any? HAve you seen anything yet that may help your daughter or you cope eith all of this?

I know the token economy / point system is usually for younger kids but I really have seen it work with out of control girls who don't care. You just have to find things she does care about, like a permit, getting out of the house, telephone time, even time with her "nice" friend. It's worth a try.
How does she point to everyone else? as in : "it's not my fault" or "they can do it, why can't I?".
Sorry to hear about her reaction to her friend. She could have stopped it, but then it could have been her. Even if she doesn't yet realize it. But you already know that.

I will keep sending positive energy and strength your way.

Maybe she will come around eventually. When is she going off to college?
10/21/2006, 8:17 pm Link to this post Send Email to Boskyfiresnake   Send PM to Boskyfiresnake Yahoo Blog
 
Bergere Profile
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Re: Is it Ethical??


Sounds like she is testing you.

My son knows he lives in my house and it is my rules.

He is 17 years old [sign in to see URL] I still yank computer or game time, if he mouths off or is rude. Don't yell of even speak much. He knows when he did work. Hubby just walks over and unplugs his computer and games.

Teens are brave and have no fear and I do remember those days. Adults know better.

Not only is she endangering herself on "Myspace" she is endangering others. I would sit her down and talk calmly with her. Stay firm in your resoulve and let her know she needs to take personal info off the site.

My son knows better, I have drilled it into his head enough. He is a Teen but he knows not to push me. I know what he really cares about and that gives me control.
As he has gotten older.. we have done written contracts with him signing it. We deal with chores and the like, like it was a business. Also helps when he ""forgets" to do things even though we have asked nicely for days.
I give him enough rope to hang himself so to speak. Then he gets reeled in.

If she has no respect for you or anyone else. Sounds like it is time to play hardball. There are Programs/Camps for out of control teens. You might ask the state if there is one in your area.
6/8/2007, 1:49 pm Link to this post Send Email to Bergere   Send PM to Bergere
 


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